337 Holiday Hacks: Bingo Cards and Buffer Days

"Holiday Hacks: Bingo Cards and Buffer Days," is a 19-minute podcast episode providing a helpful mix of humor, empathy, and actionable tips to support mental health during what for many is a challenging time of year.

Dr. Anita Sanz, a clinical psychologist, shares practical advice for navigating the stress of the holiday season, particularly for those dealing with depression. She explains that the holidays are especially challenging due to increased energy demands, heightened expectations, family dynamics, and financial pressures. These factors can exacerbate feelings of fatigue and stress, making it difficult for individuals, especially those managing mental health, to cope.

Anita offers several strategies to protect mental well-being during this time. One key suggestion is to simplify expectations, both for yourself and others, ensuring they align more closely with reality. She also emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's role as a "co-creator" of the holiday experience, which allows for setting boundaries and saying no to activities that are harmful or undesirable.

For those feeling isolated or grieving, Anita advises finding new ways to create meaning during the holidays, such as maintaining or adapting past traditions, even when alone. She also introduces a playful strategy—creating a "bingo card" of anticipated stressful interactions or comments from family members (like political discussions or personal questions). By anticipating these moments and framing them humorously, people can reduce stress and reward themselves with a treat if they complete a bingo.

Lastly, Anita suggests incorporating "buffer days" before and after travel or family events, allowing time to decompress and recover from the emotional and physical energy spent during the holidays. This advice helps individuals feel more in control and better able to manage the pressures of the season.

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Transcript

337_Holiday Hacks: How  Bingo Cards and Buffer Days Can Help Protect your Mental Health 

Terry [00:00:04] Hello and welcome to the Giving Voice to Depression podcast brought to you by Recovery.com. Each week we profile a guest who shares intimate details of their mental health journey they share because they understand that when people don't talk about their depression or other mental health conditions, those of us who struggle with them can feel like we're the only ones, that there's something wrong with us, instead of understanding that we have a common and treatable illness. I'm Terry, the creator and co-host of this podcast. 

Anita [00:00:32] And I'm Dr. Anita Sanz, a licensed clinical psychologist with more than 25 years in clinical practice. I know from both personal and professional experience how significantly mental health and other disorders can impact not just our lives, but those around us as well. By speaking openly and with the wisdom of lived experience, we help normalize conversations that are often avoided due to shame or stigma. Our episodes are honest and real, and we keep them hopeful because there truly is hope despite what depression tells you. 

Terry [00:01:07] This podcast is brought to you by recovery.com, whose mission is to help each person find the best path to recovery through a comprehensive, helpful network of treatment providers for both mental health and addiction treatment worldwide. 

Anita [00:01:26] We record a couple of new interviews each month, and we also replace some older ones so that our newer listeners don't miss out on some of our best ones. 

Terry [00:01:35] This episode was originally produced with sponsorship from the AB Korkor Foundation for Mental Health. 

Anita [00:01:42] Hi Terry. 

Terry [00:01:43] Hello, Anita. So the idea for this episode came from a conversation that you and I had about all the year end pressures and expectations, what I call bear traps or landmines. And you mentioned that from late October through January, one of the main topics that you address as a clinical psychologist is preparing clients for the upcoming holidays. And then in the new year, discussing their aftermath. Since we don't all have access to good advice or a good therapist, we're going to lean on you for this episode and have you share some of the things that you share with your clients. 

Anita [00:02:17] And we wanted to post this episode early in December before Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's Eve so that you do have this information to use if you need it or if you want to as you head into the holiday season. And before we dive in, we want to acknowledge that not everybody who has depression is dreading or has apprehensions about the upcoming holidays. And likewise, not everybody who is feeling that way has depression. 

Terry [00:02:45] But there is definitely some overlap, as I can personally attest. So let's start right there. Anita. Why are the holidays so hard for so many people, especially people with depression? 

Anita [00:02:57] I think the number one I mean, I'm going to give several reasons, but the number one reason, especially if you're dealing with depression, is that there is obviously an increase in the expectations that you have of yourself and the energy demands surrounding the holidays. So, you know, the increase in expectations and energy demands is true for everybody, I think. But if you are already operating at sort of a deficit level or just keeping your head above water with fatigue and with depression as you enter that season, it is even more challenging. 

Anita [00:03:34] And I'm I'm imagining that you have experienced that yourself. 

Terry [00:03:38] Absolutely. Absolutely. 

Anita [00:03:41] Yes. And, you know, chronic fatigue relapses and the holidays for me do not do not bode well either. So so that's that's one reason why it why it can be really tough. The second and I know I know we're going to talk a lot more about this is that. 

Anita [00:03:56] The holidays are sort of synonymous in many cultures with family, family traditions, family involvement and family get-togethers. So if there is a loss of family, if there's estrangement, dysfunction, stressful interactions, that's another reason why just thinking about the holidays means having to think about those those, you know, situations, too. 

Terry [00:04:21] And there's very often fallout when you choose not to engage. 

Anita [00:04:24] Yes. Yes. 

Terry [00:04:25] Even if it's self-protective. 

Anita [00:04:27] Definitely when it needs to be self-protective. But yeah, that's that's definitely one of those things I talk with my clients a lot about is, you know, how how are you going to set limits and and be assertive and get out of this idea that you're going to be able to make everybody happy or or okay with your decisions. So it's it's tricky. This is kind of it kind of feels sometimes like a minefield, you know, dealing with with family stuff. 

Anita [00:04:49] Another reason the holidays are tough, and I think this just gets more and more true every year, is that there are financial realities to the holidays and people really struggle feeling, you know, like, I don't have enough, I can't give enough, I can't do enough. If I do what I want to do, I'm going to end up, you know, seeing those credit card bills come in and January and then, you know, the spring through the even through the summer or beyond can feel like just trying to make up for decisions about making purchases and trying to give gifts and things. 

Anita [00:05:25] And then finally, this kind of goes along with energy demand issues, but everything gets disrupted. School, work schedules, sleep schedules, your normal habits of self-care and nutrition all take a hit. So for people who are managing and, you know, they're they're doing okay or they're not doing okay, but they're maintaining. And then you throw in all of these energy demands and disruptions in normal habits and routines and schedules. That's a major stressor. 

Terry [00:06:01] Absolutely it is. So, yeah. So what's your advice as the professional and some you know, not to oversimplify it, but just some some good rules of thumb, things that you've told your clients that you have gotten feedback and found out they actually do work or help. 

Anita [00:06:16] Yeah. Yeah. And we're going to get into some specific strategies, but just like some general rules of thumb, like what are the things that I find myself saying a lot, you know, in the during these months. First of all, even though you said to not oversimplify it, that's actually the first thing that I say is,. 

Anita [00:06:32] Listen, you're your goal that you could set for yourself is to simplify as much as you possibly can, pare down your expectations of yourself and of other people so that they as close as possible match reality. So that is the first thing that will set you in the best place possible to get through the holidays. Doing better is don't try to meet unrealistic expectations. 

Anita [00:07:01] And then the second thing is,. 

Anita [00:07:03] Remember, you're you are the co-creator of your holiday experience. You have the right and the responsibility for doing what is meaningful to you and healthy for you and saying no to anything that you really don't want to do or is unhealthy for you. 

Anita [00:07:23] And you know, I come from a family that was in the military. And, you know, we used to call certain things command performances. They were like things you could not get out of and you had to show up for with bells on. And so. 

Anita [00:07:37] If you have some of those command performances that you just you can't say no to it, you're going to have to find a way through it. Remember, as a co-creator of it, we're going to try to find healthy compromises. We're going to try to maintain your needs and meet those as best as possible, even with a command performance situation. And we're going to try to reduce as many of those energy demands on you as possible so that it matches the energy that you do have heading into the holidays. 

Terry [00:08:08] And so far, we're sort of focusing on family commitments and social engagements. And there are a lot of people like myself who are often alone for the holidays, which brings on its own difficulties and emotions and can really exacerbate depression. So talk about that a bit, please. 

Anita [00:08:26] This is probably one of the most difficult things for people to do is if, especially if holidays have always been about family or their feeling that that pressure to to be a part of a family and they don't have that. 

Anita [00:08:40] What we have to kind of do is help you find the meaning in the holiday for yourself. You know, what do you want to celebrate, if anything? What kinds of traditions from your past do you want to maintain or do you want to alter? I will usually ask people to say, you know, to themselves, okay, fill in the blank. It isn't the holidays without. And then, you know, they might say, you know, baking this cookie recipe of my grandmother's or, you know, going to, you know, midnight mass or, you know, decorating or putting up as many lights as I can throw in my front yard, There might be a ton of traditions that you want to maintain. And again, if you have the energy for it, that's great. But I ask people to really stop and think about what are you celebrating? Whatever it is to you, that can give you a little bit of a kind of a blueprint for what do you want to have be a part of your holidays if you're going to be celebrating alone? 

Anita [00:09:43] You can start sitting down and writing out cards and they don't have to be, you know, holiday cards. They can just be I was I was wanting to let you know how important you are in my life, and I'm thankful for you cards. You can do that while alone and feel very connected. Again,. 

Anita [00:10:01] I just ask people to think about what is it that the holidays mean to you and what are the traditions or or the things about the holiday that that it just wouldn't feel that way without, you know, that person. Now, that being said, if it's not the holidays without and we've lost somebody. And so that's what you're struggling with is the loneliness is actually from, you know, grieving a loss. We have to deal with that issue. And and how do we still celebrate when we're grieving? And, you know, at different points in time that that people are grieving? Sometimes it feels like a doable thing to find ways to include, you know, memories or traditions, favorite recipes of their their lost loved one. And at other times, that would just be brutally difficult. And and any you know, you just couldn't do it. 

Terry [00:10:57] I appreciate you bringing this up because you know, this is my first holiday without my mother and I never spent one without her. So, yeah, it's an interesting time. 

Anita [00:11:05] Yes. And so it's a very different experience. And and I always you know, I always talk about grief as you don't kick the turtle, you know. When we're grieving, we really have a lot of hard grief work that we have to do. And so we're like a turtle that pulls inside of a shell because we're very were vulnerable. Were fragile in some ways, and we kind of need to pull away from a lot of a lot of things and people and demands. And if you want a turtle to come out of the shell, you don't kick it to get it to come out. It's going to stay in longer. And so that's sort of a visual that I use to remind people not to kick themselves, not to let others kick them, if what they really need to do is turtle (go inside,) whether it's at the holidays or any other time like that. 

Terry [00:11:56] Okay. Shifting. 

Anita [00:11:58] Yeah. 

Terry [00:11:59] One of the reasons I want to do this episode is because when we were talking, you shared some really good ones and the bingo card is my favorite, But. 

Terry [00:12:06] What are some good strategies for dealing with those get togethers, especially if, you know, there can be some contention or stress involved? 

Anita [00:12:13] Yeah. Well, this is the sort of goes along with the theme of, you know, putting the fun back in dysfunctional, which which my clients and I will joke about all the time. These are these command performance situations, you know, where we we have to get together with family. They really stress us out. So one of the strategies I came up with to help people and and it works really well and I've done it myself is you come up with a bingo card. So you just draw on a piece of paper, you know, however many cells that you want in your bingo card. And of course you get that middle one free. And then you're going to write in stressful things that you're anticipating that you'll experience or, you know, mean or offensive things that you expect, you know, your uncle to say or an uncomfortable issue that you expect, you know, your sister to bring up and you put all of those onto your bingo card. 

Terry [00:13:05] Which these days, of course, would have to include politics. They probably would be when are you getting married? They would have to be, have you put on weight? You know, all of those kinds of things would would be spots. 

Anita [00:13:16] Or a complaint about your cooking. Yeah. Whatever it is, you just, you know, those things that you're like, they're going to be ouch. Or they're going to be uncomfortable. And what we want to try to do is, is have you anticipate it? Predict it, and in some sense almost hope that it's going to happen because you're going to promise yourself if you get a bingo, you come up with a treat for yourself, something that you normally wouldn't, wouldn't get or do or allow for yourself. And so you're kind of almost hoping that you're going to have enough of those things happen on your bingo card to be able to to to get that for yourself. 

Terry [00:13:51] And you can anticipate it, right? Yes. 

Anita [00:13:54] You're just hoping that it's going to happen instead of dreading that It's going to happen. I love it. So that's one of the things. 

Terry [00:14:01] That just seems so healthy to me. 

Anita [00:14:03] Well, we do know that if you can laugh at something, you immediately change the energy about it. So that's whether you're anxious or whether you're depressed. If you can find a funny way, a humorous, it can be dark humor. I think this is a bit of a dark humor thing, too, to put a bingo card of at your family. But it works. It's funny and it makes you laugh and it keeps you in a better mood. And I think that's a win. And nobody else has to know. Nobody else has to know that that's how you're approaching dealing, you know, with a tough, a tough family get together. So get your stamper stamp it. 

Terry [00:14:37] Exactly. I do really like that. There are things that, you know, they're going to say and they drive you wild. Yeah, but if you got to say, you know, bam, I'm one closer to giving myself or whatever your treat is, whatever your prize that you've assigned. I like it. I like an awful lot. 

Anita [00:14:55] Yeah. And some other things that I that, you know, I almost always end up saying to to help people deal with family is, you know, set set for some firm limits on on things that you know will will will make it easier for you. So that could be topics that you're going to discuss, the amount of time you're going to spend with people .if you're traveling, it might be where you're you're going to stay. 

Anita [00:15:20] And if you can I always tell people if you're traveling and you have to be with family for an extended period of time, see if you can't maneuver things so that when you get back, you give yourself your own vacation day to, you know, sort of recover from that and do some things that maybe you you want to do for the holiday and you haven't been able to because, you know, you were on somebody else's agenda. But a buffer day, you know, do not come back from travel and being with family and expect to just jump right back into, you know, the flow. You know, you want to give yourself a buffer there. 

Terry [00:15:56] And I think that's true whether you are really, really looking forward to it or if you're not. Either way, I think it can be nice to come back and just have a you know, whether that's just unpacking and washing all your clothes or it seems very self respectful. 

Anita [00:16:11] Yeah. To recover and get some energy back and you know because again, all of this takes energy. You know the planning, organizing, preparing, traveling, socializing. It's all requiring that we be able to meet a demand. So acknowledging that and remembering to take care of yourself is really, really important. 

Terry [00:16:30] Yeah, I agree. Those are some really good tips. And I like the idea. You know, it's hard enough. I think living with depression when we don't have control over, you know, when it's going to rear its ugly head. And so holidays, I feel a real loss of control. But the idea of turning some of it around and of caring for ourselves at the back end of it, I think that's all really good advice and I have not gotten it from my own therapist. So again, I'm extremely grateful to you for sharing what you have found works for your own clients. 

Anita [00:17:01] We'll all get through it. We'll all get through it, right? 

Terry [00:17:04] We will. 

Anita [00:17:05] And we might even enjoy some of it. 

Anita [00:17:16] As always, if you'd like to leave a comment about this or any other episode, please go to our website. Giving voice to depression.com and look for the record button. It's like leaving a voicemail that only we can hear. And if you want it to be private, just say so. And if it's okay for us to consider using in a future episode or sharing with a guest, if it's feedback, please let us know that too. And please follow us on Facebook, Instagram, X, formerly Twitter, where we post depression and mental health related content daily. We hope you have a really nice set of holidays. 

Terry [00:17:55] See you next week. 

Anita [00:18:02] We truly hope that our podcast brings a little more understanding, helped you better articulate and reflect on your own experience with depression, or better understand how to support someone else who is struggling. 

Terry [00:18:15] If this episode has been of comfort or value to you know that there are hundreds of others like it in our archive, which you can easily find at our website. Giving voice to depression.com. And remember if you are struggling, speak up. Even if it's hard if someone else is struggling, take the time to listen.